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The Dreaded 11
Friday, January 22, 2010 8:53 pm
I have a NY Resolution that I don't even think is a resolution, more like an unfulfilled wish that I need fulfilled... and soon, before I go crazy.

Crazy from reciting the Dreaded 11 everytime mention of any of the exes come up:



1) Even if my bf has more girls than guys as his best friends, it doesn't mean he loves them the way he loves me. We all have our different criterias of choosing best friends. This makes us different, not right or wrong.

2) Just because my bf considers 2 of his ex-gfs as his best friends, it doesn't mean he still has lingering feelings for them. Nor them for him, act-cute kitty-meowing action or not.

3) Even if 2 of his best friends (and of course they're girls) dislike me, it doesn't mean I should love them less (note to self, pray for God's grace & love)

4) Just because he captioned (note to self, it's in past tense) that his ex was (past tense again) pretty/fetching/hotteacher-ish/sexkitten-ish on facebook pics he uploaded, it doesn't mean he finds her desirable. He was trying to cheer up a best fren who's dealing with self-esteem issues and that was probably the only words that came to mind. Besides, he's a forgetful man, upload for the moment and forget they are even there.

5) Even if there's a pic of the other ex and him interlocking arms feeding icecream on facebook that he uploaded, it doesn't mean anything now. See endnote of Point 4.

6) Just because he did not upload any lovey dovey pic of us on facebook (therefore no lovey dovey captions), it doesn't mean he is ashamed of our relationship or he can't be bothered to upload them. He has other better things to do now, more important than telling the world how much he loves me now. Like earning and saving more money. Period.

7) Even if he still keeps those photos with those comments, it doesn't mean he keeps them for sentimental value. Repeat endnote of Point 4.

8) Just because he chose to favour the said ex in Point 5 over me that one time on 7th December, it doesn't mean I'm less important than her. He's too used to being responsible of taking care of her needs and he thought I can handle myself.

9) Even if No.8 happened before, it doesn't mean it'll happen again. And even if it did happen, well.... it better not.

10) Just because I'm having these insecurities for over 4 months, it doesn't mean I should withdraw from this relationship.

11) Just because they are best friends now, it doesn't mean they'll be best friends after we're married. (Not convincing since I'll never know, will I?)



Going into our 4th month, I'm f***ing hating the fact that I have to repeat the whole bloody list mentally. The routine involves taking deep breaths and reciting the dreaded list, point after point, literally forcing myself to believe what I'm saying. It's painful heartwrenching effort, considering Words of Affirmation is my lowest and all it takes is one negative Act of Service to undo whatever good the Words of Affirmation do.

It definitely doesn't help that the positive Acts of Service have yet to directly counter the insecurities the negative AoS has unleashed, as this blog entry has attested. See Point No. 6. I'm not bothering to hint anymore. So, no, deleting and restarting a new facebook account is NOT a positve AoS.

And no, it definitely doesn't help how my bf took it upon himself to love the people who chose to stick around him when others had abandoned him. I admire his ability to forgive and still smile in the face of adversity. There is an abundance of joy in him that's addictive and one cannot help but feel that it's God's grace doing its magic. You cannot not smile when you see him. So, how can I not give in to his reasons? What kind of bitch will that make me?

Is this what the devil will use to wear down a relationship?

Is it unreasonable of me to ask him to not be best friends with those girls? Didn't my pastor say that the man can only have his wife as his best friend? Is this what he calls affair-proofing a relationship? I don't know what to think anymore, only that I do not want this misery in a marriage. I know it's only been 4 months, but for the past 5 months, it's been constantly driving me to the edge of misery everytime a mention of her comes up.

That her being his best friend, shows that she's still important to him.

I'm sad that we have this issue, an issue that none of my friends are experiencing. Why can't I also have a bf who don't keep contact with his exes? Now he don't just keep contact, but he calls her his best friend. Next thing I know, she'll catch him unaware in an emo i'm-single-&-lonely moment and sucker-punch us all with a "i'm sorry it just happened". And who's fault will that be?

I'm ashamed to say that after blogging about this, I am feeling better. Only the tiniest bit since things are not addressed but... at least it's better than nothing.

Update: Swinging by to update that all's fine and dandy on the love lane and we're pretty smoochingly happy. We reasoned in the end that one of the said ex will fade into oblivion and clearer lines of boundaries will be established over time with the other. So I wont retract the blog entry; it was not written with the intention to exaggerate my emotions and having it around just goes to remind me to trust and have faith in my man, regardless of the situations and people involved.