I have a NY Resolution that I don't even think is a resolution, more like an unfulfilled wish that I need fulfilled... and soon, before I go crazy.

Crazy from reciting the Dreaded 11 everytime mention of any of the exes come up:

1) Even if my bf has more girls than guys as his best friends, it doesn't mean he loves them the way he loves me. We all have our different criterias of choosing best friends. This makes us different, not right or wrong.

2) Just because my bf considers 2 of his ex-gfs as his best friends, it doesn't mean he still has lingering feelings for them. Nor them for him, act-cute kitty-meowing action or not.

3) Even if 2 of his best friends (and of course they're girls) dislike me, it doesn't mean I should love them less (note to self, pray for God's grace & love)

4) Just because he captioned (note to self, it's in past tense) that his ex was (past tense again) pretty/fetching/hotteacher-ish/sexkitten-ish on facebook pics he uploaded, it doesn't mean he finds her desirable. He was trying to cheer up a best fren who's dealing with self-esteem issues and that was probably the only words that came to mind. Besides, he's a forgetful man, upload for the moment and forget they are even there.

5) Even if there's a pic of the other ex and him interlocking arms feeding icecream on facebook that he uploaded, it doesn't mean anything now. See endnote of Point 4.

6) Just because he did not upload any lovey dovey pic of us on facebook (therefore no lovey dovey captions), it doesn't mean he is ashamed of our relationship or he can't be bothered to upload them. He has other better things to do now, more important than telling the world how much he loves me now. Like earning and saving more money. Period.

7) Even if he still keeps those photos with those comments, it doesn't mean he keeps them for sentimental value. Repeat endnote of Point 4.

8) Just because he chose to favour the said ex in Point 5 over me that one time on 7th December, it doesn't mean I'm less important than her. He's too used to being responsible of taking care of her needs and he thought I can handle myself.

9) Even if No.8 happened before, it doesn't mean it'll happen again. And even if it did happen, well.... it better not.

10) Just because I'm having these insecurities for over 4 months, it doesn't mean I should withdraw from this relationship.

11) Just because they are best friends now, it doesn't mean they'll be best friends after we're married. (Not convincing since I'll never know, will I?)

Going into our 4th month, I'm f***ing hating the fact that I have to repeat the whole bloody list mentally. The routine involves taking deep breaths and reciting the dreaded list, point after point, literally forcing myself to believe what I'm saying. It's painful heartwrenching effort, considering Words of Affirmation is my lowest and all it takes is one negative Act of Service to undo whatever good the Words of Affirmation do.

It definitely doesn't help that the positive Acts of Service have yet to directly counter the insecurities the negative AoS has unleashed, as this blog entry has attested. See Point No. 6. I'm not bothering to hint anymore. So, no, deleting and restarting a new facebook account is NOT a positve AoS.

And no, it definitely doesn't help how my bf took it upon himself to love the people who chose to stick around him when others had abandoned him. I admire his ability to forgive and still smile in the face of adversity. There is an abundance of joy in him that's addictive and one cannot help but feel that it's God's grace doing its magic. You cannot not smile when you see him. So, how can I not give in to his reasons? What kind of bitch will that make me?

Is this what the devil will use to wear down a relationship?

Is it unreasonable of me to ask him to not be best friends with those girls? Didn't my pastor say that the man can only have his wife as his best friend? Is this what he calls affair-proofing a relationship? I don't know what to think anymore, only that I do not want this misery in a marriage. I know it's only been 4 months, but for the past 5 months, it's been constantly driving me to the edge of misery everytime a mention of her comes up.

That her being his best friend, shows that she's still important to him.

I'm sad that we have this issue, an issue that none of my friends are experiencing. Why can't I also have a bf who don't keep contact with his exes? Now he don't just keep contact, but he calls her his best friend. Next thing I know, she'll catch him unaware in an emo i'm-single-&-lonely moment and sucker-punch us all with a "i'm sorry it just happened". And who's fault will that be?

I'm ashamed to say that after blogging about this, I am feeling better. Only the tiniest bit since things are not addressed but... at least it's better than nothing.

Update: Swinging by to update that all's fine and dandy on the love lane and we're pretty smoochingly happy. We reasoned in the end that one of the said ex will fade into oblivion and clearer lines of boundaries will be established over time with the other. So I wont retract the blog entry; it was not written with the intention to exaggerate my emotions and having it around just goes to remind me to trust and have faith in my man, regardless of the situations and people involved.

Usually when I watch makeup tutorials, I'll stop watching if the girl is not pretty. Very bad right? But wait, there's a reason to it. If the "after" picture is worse than the "before" picture, then makeup FAIL right! Might as well go au natural and skip the war paint.

Anyway, to digress, I shall try this one night:

One of the best trips I've ever invested in is the one to Sydney Salsa Congress 2009.

Aside from the congress and international friends I made there, it encapsulates all the dream-come-true fantasies I ever had about the place. Barefooted strolls along the shores of Bondi Beach, shrieking from the mindnumbingly cold waves, the nightly salsa marathons in the biggest hall I've ever seen.

Sigh... there I go again with the wistful longing. Withdrawal symptons from that heady shot of traveller's bug. Oh, bite me already.

I can only attribute this to hearing languish tale after languish tale from the bf's bestie about her virgin trip to HCMC. I know I gotta go there.

I can already envision my dark purple shiftdress, tiffany-blue *coughs - I wonder if the bf is reading this bwahahaha!* day dress and 4 vintage inspired tops being put together lovingly by one of the many local seamstresses, ala Project Runway. For maximum of $150 bwahahaha.
And I can finally live out Travel & Living by having my own Vietnamese-speaking tour guide (the bf la who else!?) to bring us around sightseeing, food tasting, grooming ($6 manicures & pedis anyone?), clubbing. Confirm well taken care of and not kana swindled (bah!) like some clueless tourist. Oh, I might try my hand at video-blogging while I'm there!

So anyway, the 3 of us would most definitely be going this year. Is anyone interested to tompang along for the ride?



I'm still salivating at the jpeg. Gosh.

1) you walk into a deserted carpark and remind your friends to "not shoot the cars" otherwise the alarm will bring a horde of zombies.

2) you liken a group of people rushing for the last train to zombies running towards a pool of bile.
3) you halt in mid-stride upon seeing a skinny girl with long rebonded hair and long manicured nails and try not to go near her.

4) you auto-siam from the glass corridors of a shopping mall, for fear that the smoker will strangle you from the level above with his long tongue.

5) you dart past darkened rooms, then wait to see if any acid will be spewn from a spitter in hiding.

6) you are still bright-eyed and pumped up with adrenaline at 5am in the morning.

7) you will contemplate attacking the right kind of zombie using the optimum weapon while going through your day. This includes sitting in a car, walking down an aisle in the supermarket and taking a dump.

8) you are willing to spend cabfare back home after gaming when usually u're extremely thrifty with $.

9) you get infuriatingly mad at dying too early in the game.

10) you spend 10mins (yes I know I'm good *takes a bow*) to do up a wallpaper like below:




... and proceed to use it as your desktop wallpaper when 2 weeks ago, you don't even dare to watch the game trailer alone.