It's not that I'm having post-chat reservations, even though I do think I've been revisiting that saved msn conversation a tad too often for my liking.
Let's just call this a post-chat reflection.

I'm thankful to God for protecting the friendship between the 2 of us, despite what had happened in the past. By conventional/mainstream/social definition, we wouldn't even be talking right now and I would still be yearning for a life created by false hopes and dreams that will only shred my heart from shards to smithereens when cold hard reality b*tch-slaps me across my tear-stained cheeks. So, thank God for His presence during the guitar worship sessions. I thought He wouldn't show up but He did (everytime) and that memory itself lends a weird calmness when I think back about it, reminding me of how I should put God in the centre of every relationship. Guess I've to break out of old mindsets about how He operates.

It puzzles me... How did we learn to block ourselves from destructive words spoken by the ones we look up to? When did people like me become architects of emotional walls? What price do we pay to really move on, for real? Could we have unconsciously entered a state of numbness that gave birth to our unreasonable expectations and, worse, missed opportunities for escape?

I'm not scared cos I know God's with me and according to His time, eventually, I will be alright. I'm just apprehensive of the screwups that I'd keep making in moments of weakness because I'm not as emotionally strong as I should be.

So, God help me. I'm pretty much... numb.