I (Don't) Wanna Be with Me...


Isnt it ironic how I always seem to blog the MOST during time when I'm LEAST free??? Yesh I cant stand myself sometimes either bleh =p

Anyway... haiz... I'm feeling pretty unsettled. So unsettled that I'm resorting to spilling it here *with a certain degree of self-constraint NOT to spill it ALL, I hope* in a 5min blog. Anyway, my bad, I prob shdnt have brought up that topic in the first place but somehow, one thing led to another & if I cant communicate w this person on THIS, then I dun noe who can I talk to abt it. After all, it concerns the 2 of us. & the exam time constrain pressing on us is not helping either...

Rite. Here's me, all swingin' single, surrounded w love from frens I care abt & family I'll lay my life down for any day of the week. What more can a girl ask for? Then comes this person unexpectedly into my life, someone who seems to be looking for the qualities I'm looking for in Mr Right... really really REAAALY essentially, someone I can talk to w no inhibitions. Of course, being funny, eloquent, loyal, filial, gentle & caring are the side-dishes I get without asking for *gawd my analogies are... well... kinda reminding me of him hahahaha... sheesh*

I start to wonder if I've the capacity to make this person happy. Trust me, it's one thing to provide emotional support to someone & another to meet ALL of that person's expectations, on top of being yourself *the good points, of course* & changing the Ugly Jean for the better. & no, it's not fair that one shd ask for traits in a person, without looking deep into oneself & wondering if one makes up to one's OWN mark...

Time passed & I realize a side of myself I hate but which just comes hurtling out b4 I can take back those words, take back that attitude, take back that side I thot I banished for good. So wrong, Jean... so wrong...

Still changing... If I dislike myself, how can I ask of someone to like me? If I can't make someone happy, how can I ask of someone to make me happy?...

I can't help but wonder if he has changed how he feels abt me. & no, it's not a trick question, BN, it's not. Just wondering, s'all...

Sigh... feeling sickly physically & emotionally... Sigh... I'd hate to disappoint him... Esp, him...