People confirm going for chalet:

SRJCians:
Caili, Baoyuan, Lilian, Shangying, Claire, Liying, Martin, Joycelyn, Hikaru,
NUS:Marcus, Violet, Ah Pooh, Weiling, Chewy, Teck, Ernest, Ange, Mel, Gerard, Yongqiang, Nic, Kaizhao,
Miscellanous:
Sharon, Kelvin, Zhiyong, ChoonKiat, Jackson, Ann, Dali, Joanna, Liling.

abt 32 so far.

Yet to confirm:
Abel, Hansen, Yi Tat, Jason, John, Teng Hong, rest of CBLC & Phoenix ppl.

Food to prepare:
Potato salad, fried beehoon, chicken, satay, sausage, stingray, vodka & beer, brownies (thanks Marcus)

Things to bring:
clothes to wear on Saturday, ingredients for potato salad, toiletries, perfume, makeup kit, xtra clothes for Jade, martin's card, sharon's xmas present, visor, shades, sunscreen, CAMERAs (ask ernest)...

brb

Just remembered something he said. Abt how he's always finding all the problems & wont go looking for the solutions. Abt how sick & tired he is of being the one being dumped.
Does this mean he's the super super pessimistic sort?
I mean, I already felt Eugene is like that. He seems to be someone who needs a lot of encouragement in relationships, esp in times when he's feeling very pessimistic.

Hey it's not that I'm afraid that I cant give that encouragement. I feel that I've changed for the better now. At least more sensitive so that I can detect if something is wrong & I noe I'm more willing to take that initiative to sort things out. & wat's more, I noe that in future, when I find that something's wrong, I'm gonna STR8ten everything out w my future bf abt it.

Anyway, conclusion: He's not the one? I really dont know lah. Really dont know.
It's not fair to compare ANYTHING at all. I mean I cant possibly expect the same kinda instantaneous chemistry to happen (it didnt lah)
But issit childish to want love to struck oneself unexpectedly? I'm not talking abt love @ 1st sight here; more like loving someone without even noeing that u do.

tbc

Things aren't exactly rosy for me.

Mayb it's seeing JAM being so happy w each other.
Mayb it's seeing TS & his gf so close together.
Mayb it's seeing the ex who'd prob nvr wanna talk to me again.
Mayb it's knowing & seeing that there's strength to be found in knowing that u're loved.
Mayb it's knowing that I definitely dont even consider the possibility of Ernest being The One.

I dont even noe who's turning up for my chalet. GREAT.

Hope Hansen's feeling better. His grandma just passed away. God, please help everyone in his family find peace.

Assistant Marketing & Liaison. So wat? Can I do it?

Kinda missing Ernest... U noe he's so sweet? Like how EVERYONE noes it's crap that I look "cute" in spects but he still say so to make me feel better? HAHAHA... Still, nvr felt so ugly in public for a long time. Heck. I wear my spects proudly in sch cos I'm not afraid to be ugly!!! Yeah baby! (fantastic... mood swings now, Jean?)

Extreme forms of PDA are frowned upon in public. So wat? Do we care? Why shd anyone care abt other ppl when life's so short & u're just trying to enjoy every minute of it?

Life's a bitch. Same shit, Different day.

Wonder what tml will bring... A better day? Or same thing? Haiz.

Dusty places + too much heaty food + too much porn (kidding) = Eye Infection

Cant wear contacts for > 1 week.

No heaty food for > 2 weeks

No dusty environment forever

I feel so ugly. Just thinking abt tml's heavy workload is enuff to give me a headache.
Dont wanna miss 3 impt lectures + eye infection = ENTIRE Chemistry cohort will noe that I'm an ugly ducking in disguise. & finally old frens will recognise me. Halehluyah.
Thank God some guys find grls w specs cute.
(However, I'll totally revolutionize THAT idea, I tell u. 700 degrees per eye is no joke. Seriously.)

Note to self: Avoid heaty food. Buy eye drops. Remember to take medication esp antibiotics *groan* Gingko, I'll need your help now...

My goodness. Just came back frm another exhilarating bike ride w my bhang =) Got a new bike this time w 4x the engine power of his old bike.

Such a rush of adrenalin. Icy cold wind hitting your face & arms. INSTANT wake-me-up. However, doing 85 riding pillion in your shortest pair of shorts is no joke.

Learnt something alarming today. But that's another tale for another time. Going to sleep liao.

HAHA... yes yes Hikaru, I'm updating my blog. Actually stuff happened but I didn't have any means whereby I can record them & transfer them here. So here goes (pardon my failing memory... turning 21 soon *hint hint hint* & NO!!! I don't want gingko biloba tablets to boost my memory. Gawd.

Anyway, saw TS & his gf both sleeping on the MRT, wearing matching red T-shirts when I entered the train @ Orchard w Ernest last Saturday. Just RIGHT in front of us. We happened to alight @ City Hall. Thank God Ernest was covering me frm view... man... got this shitty feeling. U noe, the kinda feeling when u saw that ex u dumped & u're feeling bad for being such a bitch to him? Anyway told Martin how suay I felt but must have sent the wrong msg across to him cos he was like " Don't do anything stupid ok? Don't rush into things." Aunt Agony. Think if it's anyone else who tells me that, I'll be like "C'mon!!! GIMME A LITTLE CREDIT CAN?!?!?" Had a great time w Ernest. Went for a movie (Magic Kitchen) & coffee @ Coffee Bean's. Where we proceeded to chat abt stuff. Found out a little bit more abt him... & yeah, made me see him in a different light =) Seems that we both share the same thing: we both want someone who we can look up to. Someone smart, someone whom we can carry out an intelligent conversation with. Then again... taking my time. Taking our time.

Well, just came back frm a date w him. Haha... shared w me some stories abt the grls he liked, the grls he had a little something going on back there with but it nvr did work out, grls that he had crushes with... U get the picture. & more imptly, how his perception of himself & relationships are rite now. Oh & he said this: He agrees that we're better off moving slow & steady. 2 reasons: 1. He feels that I'm not ready for another relationship. 2. He feels that he's not the guy who'll make me happy.

I feel that he's so right. Sorry frens, but I cant help but feel a little like, insecure if I'm even gonna daydream that we MAY BE (Note: I didnt use " ARE") heading somwhere. I see the MCP in him, the possible tendency for him to be over-protective. Traits that I dont noe if I can take it. Not after walking away frm a past one w MCP-ness in it. It didnt help much that he threw in a few comments my way. About how he's glad that we have this glowing (growing?) spark of chemistry between us. About how he has nvr dated someone he's physically attracted to & that it's scaring him. Ok it sounded like a compliment that time I heard it but still took me q a pinch of salt to swallow that 2nd comment. Great. Just great. Last thing I wanna hear is that a guy's going out w me cos I turn him on in that way & he cant wait to see me again, & it helped that I can carry a conversation well w brains up there. I noe Ernest is not that shallow, but... hell, he's a guy lor for heaven's sake. Temptations of the flesh r stuff they'll meet every other day, y shd he be any exception?

Went out w Ernest today... oh man... How I wish things r simple between us. Like REALLY simple. Marcus told me he confirm like me lor & that we're like a couple... this coming frm someone who saw us together for the 1st time in the train. & he already predicted that it'll definitely lead to SOMETHING... Guess I'm pretty naive (selfish?) to think that it's nothing serious. Bottom line: putting things on hold between us. Nothing physical... for now. (or shd I put it "forever"?)

Mentioned this self-defense mechanism I have now towards guys & this possible inferior complex I have (like mayb, prob, I'm not good enuff for anyone I like). Huge huge barrier built ard me now. But yah if anyone manages to break it down, I'll noe he's The One. For now, happy chipping, guys! *imagining guys w hammers & chisels* Talk abt chek ark XP

Anyway last nite was on the phone w Violet. Told me stuff abt wat that b*tch S bitched abt JAM... Apparently she's asking questions & speculating to many ppl, even ppl who dun noe JAM AT ALL. (Dun remember her asking ME, the one supposedly closest to J in sch. Esp since she's interested between the business between Eugene & me) To make the entire episode more ridiculous, she thinks she & M r v close... makes me wanna laugh jus hearing it. Hate the way she's sucha hypocrite to J thou *bitch-slap* (yes this is for U Martin, for planting the idea in my head Hahaha!!!) Chummy with M's ex now, showing ultimate disrespect for her bf (in PUBLIC no less! I still cant believe it...)... *sighz* cant be bothered to think of anything anymore. She's just a bitch... freaking HUGE KAY-POH lor!!! HELLO?!?! EVER heard of PRIVACY???
(Gawd I REALLY sound like a bitch too now dont I? But, Hell this is my diary & if I cant bitch here, where else can I bitch?)
To think that I used to find her not bad last year. Okok hope she's really actually not THAT bad...
Jus reminds me of those Sec sch days when life's brimming w bitches, bastards & many more hypocrites all out to get that highly desirable "popularity pie" @ the expense of frenship & self-respect. So darn superficial...

Whoa seems like q a while since I updated my life here...

Met up w Hikaru, Juliana & Jade on Friday for makan @ Glass House. Split platter42 w Hikaru, Ju ordered her craving (try finishing one entire serving of fried calamari by yourself HAHAHA) & garden salad, Jade had Fish & Rice. Rice's good. Thou Hikaru's pretty quiet (OOOH!!! She wore our presents for her! Looks good on her *pinches Hikaru's cheeks... ON THE FACE LAH!!! Where do u think I'm pinching?!?! Gawd... *giggle**
WHICH reminds me: we took a couple of shots outside Fish&Co & there's this round F&C sign there. Jade said it's the moon *GAWD... she's really good @ cracking us up man... *shakes head* she prob sees only little hearts all ard her now. Thus the delusion HAHAHA!!!!* Anyway Hikaru said "wah if everything round is the moon then my butt oso lah!" (something like that) Then gave me this kinky slap (more like kinky expression) on my arm... *faintz*

Hope things r going ok for her (relationship & studies- wise). Gonna pray for her tonite. Gawd, find I'm so emotional nowadays. Almost cried when I hugged Hikaru goodbye. Girls... or mayb it's just me =P

'nywayz, met up w Martin yesterday evening @ Coffee Bean. Just chillin' on the cushy seats, chatting, sipping our Ice Blended Mocha, listening to music. Now listening to the CD list he lent me. Invited him to the party. Asked him to bring Joycelyn along, since we know each other & Liying noes her as well. Hope he can make it (Ohh his bdae is on the 8th Feb!!! 10 days older than me hahaha)

Jus realise how amazing ICQ & msn (oh yah there's friendster too) are @ bringing ppl closer together. I mean I hardly noe him in SR but yah, common interests R uncovered & common topics arise & being in the same boat connect frens like us to a certain extent. Pretty comfy just to chat w a fren without having to worry abt whether I'll mislead him, whether he has other intentions blah blah blah... Haha & to think I used to link him w that German-phrases-spouting Marcus. SO different, those 2. Glad to have him as a fren =)

K signing off. Adios.

Jade just told me that she had a feeling TS & I will get back together again... Cos I feel that he's not that happy in the relationship with his current gf. Missing him... a little? a lot? I noe this issnt love, or mayb I just don't dare to think of it as love (wat will that make me? SO DAMN INDECISIVE MAN...) That won't be the Jean I noe... Or mayb I just need to accept that I changed...

Hope that things will resolve themselves... Esp wat & how I view my life now...

Love & Hate

I love the way you smile,
I love the way you smell,
I love the way you look at me,
But only time will tell,
I love the way you think,
I love the way you look,
I don't love what you did to me,
For my heart is what you took,
I hate the way you used me,
I hate the way you played,
I hate the way I trusted you,
But then I was betrayed,
But still I'd love to have you back,
And lie in your arms again,
But for now, I talk to someone new,
And claim you're just a friend

Movin' On

everytime I'm around
your just putting me down
and I can't take it
I can't fake it
I'm putting it all in the past
so my scars can heal
so I can move on
and find a love that is real

Prayed to God for the 1st time last nite... Asked Him to come into my life... Asked Him to show me guidance... Asked Him to watch over JAM, asked that the matter between E & I will resolve itself or rather, He can show me the way to find the answer.

E's an acquaintance now, not even a fren. Feeling "sayang" that things r like this... Can't be helped I guess... Guess God brought me together w him so I can learn to be more aware, to be more sensitive to ppl... Too bad, there's nothing that bear fruit. E ended it so soon, way before anything can even be done.

1st day of school sucks... REALLY sucks... Cried cos Hikaru's leaving sch... Cried when talking to Ju abt E... I've always known that there's another side to Ju, only that she doesn't show it to ppl. The side less strong, more emotional, more vulnerable. A side that is seen by Adrian, heard only by us. I see snippets of myself in her: me when I was going thru my 1st relationship.

Jade's prodding me in the direction of Ernest. I dont noe wat I want yet (does Ernest know wat he wants?) Feeling selfish suddenly [am I being selfish if I say "let's not ponder too much over it"?] I noe it just feels damn good to be held by him, dancing in the breeze, surrounded by live jazz music. & I noe I'll feel that way w Ernest & he feels the same way, even more so than me. He's special... but I dont wanna find out how special. Jus like how he's confused with what to make of us NOW. Was worried that things r more complicated after that Sunday. Ended our talk on the topic by concluding that everything's great if we just leave it the way it is now, but if we're gonna see if there's more to it than a fling, we're gonna have to test waters & proceed DAMN SLOWLY. Damn friggin' slowly... but wait, shd we EVEN proceed at all???
How fair is this to the both of us? Then again, wat's fair in this world?

FANTASTIC!!! Now I cant seem to access Hikaru's & Charmaine's blog... Wonder how're they doing. Charmaine's doing ok... but wat abt u Hikaru? Cant wait to see u later.

ANYWAY... Yeah *grinz* had a really really REALLY nice candlelight dinner w Ernest last nite. Brought me to Al Dente @ Esplanade. He was worried I'm gonna kill him (great, so NOW I'm a bloodthirsty bitch to them) cos he chose non-aircon. BUT I tell u, this view of white canopy over our heads + candles + lights in the city + jazz music frm afar + moon + stars + the occassional cool breeze is SOOO intoxicating. (Psst, ladies, u do noe that we look the best in candlelight rite? hehee)
Wonder why anyone will wanna choose the aircon area downstairs.
Damn satisfying (the food lah! wat're u all thinking?!).

Went for a walk along the waterfront. Stopped at this canopy thingy with a black woman crooning soulful jazz to a few hundred people. I tell u man, it's the perfect night out. Fell in love with jazz there & then. It's one thing to hear it out of a CD but it's gives the term "romance" a whole new meaning when u hear it LIVE. Sang some classics. Mikki Brown, u're the best.

Held onto each other & danced awhile. & I dont noe how it happened, but we kissed. We're like "ok where did THAT come frm" hahah!!! Walked me back home. No kiss this time =P but there's a long lingering hug which is even better.

Wasnt aware of the effect I had on him until he told me stuff online on ICQ. Wont paraphrase now cos it's a little mushy *sticks tongue out* Well, we're just gonna let our current frenship/relationship be... No expectations from each other, no nothing. Was wondering if he'll be bothered by it but he said he's not. Liar.

Met up with SY, LY, CL, BY, ZZ, YT, TF, BS & YH for dinner today at Kenny Rogers. Damn tired after only 2 hours of sleep (came home at 5am, slept at 6am woke up at 8am this morning =( Oh had a date w N =) Ate at BBOSS. He got me the Save the Last Dance soundtrack!!! So touched!!! Then watched Ju-On 2 & watched the fireworks at Esplanade before we headed on down the waterfront to chat til 4am. Met Yongqiang & N's clique halfway thou haha!!! Poor N kana chided for pang-sehing them haha!!! Sent me home in a taxi aft chatting) CL told me not to give him the wrong idea, send the wrong signals. Hell, if I'm interested in a guy, even if I dont want him to know, he'll definitely sense it man. Trust me... Anyway, jus hope N doesnt think too much.

I'm like sooo not into relationships now. Cant find stability in love, why should I get myself & another guy involved. Sorry guys, this is one single & unavailable grl. I'm really trying to find myself. Being single allows me more freedom to explore my different facets, find more flaws, understand myself more. I've grown & learnt. I'm appreciating frens more. I'm hanging out more than ever with them now & I feel honoured that when a few of them encounter problems, I'm the 1st one they turn to seek advise, a shoulder to cry on, comfort & yeah, criticism.

Anyway M joined us later. & he brought the mag w Eugene's photo in it. The photo shoot Eugene did for his fren? That one. Anyway, the front cover featured him laughing. Laughing like how he rarely do so except w his close frens or one of those rare outbursts. One could never guessed that after that, we met up & 3 hours later, broke up. Laughing... like how everything was ok.

Read his profile in the mag... wat he said... Smiled. It's so him... Him all over that one page... Damn, why am I having this weird feeling (no it's not self-denial, I really cant pin-point this) Shit, now I really don't want to go to school on Monday. Is the mag appearing a sign? Haiz... I just want a peace of mind, WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO ATTAIN?!?!?