Went to Daniel's church last night again... I don't noe whether to dismiss it as coincidental or wat but seems like my principles & the rules I abide by , my beliefs are pretty similar to those of Christianity. (Correct me if I'm wrong if U're a Christian, my fren)

I believe that everything happens for a reason. & everytime there's some obstacle, it's a test. If we screw it up, it's up to us to learn from it & hopefully, that'll make us a better person. & yes, I do believe there's a God up there. Thing is, here's where the similarty ends: God is responsible for making us go thru wat we went thru, wat we're going to go thru in the times ahead. God is testing us everytime something doesn't go our way.

Why some of the things happen the way they do, often I can find the answer to that, but those few times that I don't, for someone like me who needs some concrete explanation, I'll feel so lost, powerless & so not in control. I'll still feel so out of my element. Even after all the self-reflection I do... eventually when it gets real bad, I'll wonder WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?? WHAT IS IT THAT HE WANTS ME TO SEE?

Told Daniel & Ernest that I didn't raise my hand (again) cos I'm still unsure. I'm not ready. I'm raising that hand for myself, I need to be sure abt this relationship with God if I'm going to commit to it. I told Ernest that I'm not ready to surrender my life into someone else's control. He said it's not about surrendering, it's about asking.

& I cried last nite during the service while in the 4th level, had a hard time controlling it... & I'm not even in the auditorium. (Just imagine wat it will be like if I'm down there with all those people. Wenhui & Daniel were saying that's the power of God) I know I still can't forgive Eugene, & I'm angry again whenever I think abt the shit he made me go thru. Christmas is about receiving forgiveness, giving forgiveness (forgot the other 3 verses). I"m not a backslider, but I feel like a sinner. For taking TS for granted, for making a guy who loves me miserable, for repeating the same little mistakes in the relationship w Eugene (I still think MOST of the fault lies with him. Wat do u think God?)

I need to forgive him, for all the things he do wrong. & I need to do this cos I'm, by nature, not a bitter person.