WHOA yesterday damn shiok man!

Shifted CPUs & watnots frm CBLC to Student Lounge(think that's wat we call it?) By the time we're done, it's already 7pm (damn hungry) Mel & Ange went to buy the steamboat stuff. Helped in the cutting (bloody fish! So damn difficult to cut + scales + bones all over the place)

Ernest, Gerard, Ange, Mel, BJ (nice nick eh), Chew, Ah Seow (poor guy's sick), Tiko, Teck (my dear! HAHAHA) & me =) Damn fun! We shd do this again guys! Finished all the food (darn alot of pork lor) Very "wen xin" dinner =)

But I haven got to the best part (yaya damn childish haha). There's these 4 cartons of this 24/7 sweet. The ones where u press on the button to dispense one little tablet-like sweet? Gerard just tore one box open & later it's the MINT war!!! Ah Seow was like shooting sweets non-stop at Gerard that nehneh (damn funny!), Gerard & Teck conspire against me TWICE (damn it, one cupfull of sweets down your sticky back is NO JOKE k + the container) then to get immediate ammunition I grab those sweets frm the floor hahaha!!! In the end, only Chew, Ange, Mel & BJ didnt play. So there're like 6 nehnehs throwing sweets in one another's faces (kana Gerard THRICE MUAHAHAH).

Swept the place, took a last look ard & the keys r locked for a final time b4 renovations start (looks like some major ecstasy party)

I wonder how're we gonna meet up again as a group. Gonna miss them man...

SINGLEHOOD's GREAT man!!!!! WOOHOO!!! Look out world! Haha... =)

Just read Charmaine's blog. Can relate to her feeling drained... think that's the period when I feel so numb, so uninterested in anything to do w relationships.

Glad that I'm out of that phase now.

Charmaine R U ok? Can't wait to meet up w u again to hear your stories...

Just remembered: Gerard found a Bible in the CBLC that day. It's with me now, since he already has one (Catholic) & so does Ange & Ernest.

Is this a sign? Hmmm...

Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR frens!!!

Jean's New Year Resolution:

1. Make sure that those I love & care for me know they're being appreciated.

2. SMILE more.

3. ...

Felt that God just sent me 4 angels: Ange, Daniel,Ernest & Jade =)
*touched*

Life is about change
Sometimes it's painful,
Sometimes it's beautiful,
Sometimes it's both.

Told Zhiming I felt very blessed... I've frens ard me, there's nothing I lack (& material possessions have taken a backseat)
I don't even want the digicam THAT badly...

Anyway after that went back home, online. Chatted w Martin. Talking to him kinda bring back memories abt Eugene & me (he's going thru the same shit as me)

Went to Charmaine's party. I MISS HER SOOO DAMN MUCH!!! I always feel a sense of loss whenever I was feeling down during JC & she's not there. & sometimes I wonder if she's ok w her life. Seems like we've been going thru some shit yeah grl? Anyway Charmaine baby, if U're reading this, U noe U can ALWAYS count on me k? Not msging u & stuff aint mean I dont care or dont bother (it means I'm bz & lazy hahaha) But yeah I'm making a conscious effort to make sure those dearest to me (& others) noe they're being appreciated & that I'm here for them... just like how they're there for me =) LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Anyway, there're like so many frens there man... Only noe Nick. Let's see now, there's Sylvia, Wayne, Nick, Nicky, her other half, Eileen, Broderick, Stef, Midge & 2 more grls. It's great to see her surrounded by her family. I can feel the luv man. Amazing. No animosity or anything. Girls... =)

Went to Daniel's church last night again... I don't noe whether to dismiss it as coincidental or wat but seems like my principles & the rules I abide by , my beliefs are pretty similar to those of Christianity. (Correct me if I'm wrong if U're a Christian, my fren)

I believe that everything happens for a reason. & everytime there's some obstacle, it's a test. If we screw it up, it's up to us to learn from it & hopefully, that'll make us a better person. & yes, I do believe there's a God up there. Thing is, here's where the similarty ends: God is responsible for making us go thru wat we went thru, wat we're going to go thru in the times ahead. God is testing us everytime something doesn't go our way.

Why some of the things happen the way they do, often I can find the answer to that, but those few times that I don't, for someone like me who needs some concrete explanation, I'll feel so lost, powerless & so not in control. I'll still feel so out of my element. Even after all the self-reflection I do... eventually when it gets real bad, I'll wonder WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?? WHAT IS IT THAT HE WANTS ME TO SEE?

Told Daniel & Ernest that I didn't raise my hand (again) cos I'm still unsure. I'm not ready. I'm raising that hand for myself, I need to be sure abt this relationship with God if I'm going to commit to it. I told Ernest that I'm not ready to surrender my life into someone else's control. He said it's not about surrendering, it's about asking.

& I cried last nite during the service while in the 4th level, had a hard time controlling it... & I'm not even in the auditorium. (Just imagine wat it will be like if I'm down there with all those people. Wenhui & Daniel were saying that's the power of God) I know I still can't forgive Eugene, & I'm angry again whenever I think abt the shit he made me go thru. Christmas is about receiving forgiveness, giving forgiveness (forgot the other 3 verses). I"m not a backslider, but I feel like a sinner. For taking TS for granted, for making a guy who loves me miserable, for repeating the same little mistakes in the relationship w Eugene (I still think MOST of the fault lies with him. Wat do u think God?)

I need to forgive him, for all the things he do wrong. & I need to do this cos I'm, by nature, not a bitter person.

Heard this song that 6th Nov on the way home
After he told me things r so wrong
Heard it again when I was reading my notes
On the way home frm sch
Heard it again THE INSTANT we turned our backs on 29th Nov
& walked away out of each other's lives
Heard it again & again later
& each time it happens, I always seem to be thinking of him, of us.
& NOW, I found it again in my brother's playlist
Perfect by Simple Plan

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spend with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
'Cuz you don't understand

Mayb this is a sign. It's waaay too coincidental. It's like how Serendipity puts it. If you believe in Fate, u'll believe in Destiny. I'm not too sure whether to stand by the belief that there's one very special someone out there, but I believe in fate. Things happen for a reason.

(Speaking of which, I was wondering abt the theme. How can one believe SOOO strongly in fate? To throw everything to the wind, to let it drift back to you when the time is right...)
.
It's time to move on.

Lyrics

You look into my eyes
I go out of my mind
I can't see anything
Cos this love's got me blind
I can't help myself
I can't break the spell
I can't even try

I'm in over my head
You got under my skin
I got no strength at all
In the state that I'm in

And my knees are weak
And my mouth can't speak
Fell too far this time

Chorus:
Baby, I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you
(Too lost in you)

ooh
Well you whispered to me
And I shiver inside
You undo me and move me
In ways undefined
And you're all I see
And you're all I need
Help me baby (help me baby)
Help me baby (help me now)

Cos I'm slipping away
Like the sand to the tide
Flowing into your arms
Falling into your eyes
If you get too near
I might disappear
I might lose my mind
oooh

Chorus:
Baby, I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you
(Too lost in you)

I'm going crazy in love for you baby
(I can't eat and I can't sleep)
I'm going down like a stone in the sea
Yeah, no one can rescue me
(No one can rescue me)
ooh ooooh

Oooh, my baby
Oooh, baby, baby, baby

Chorus:
Baby, I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you (too lost in you)
oooh

I'm lost in you
I'm lost in you
I'm lost in everything about you
So deep (so deep), I can't sleep (no,no,no)
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you
(Too lost in you)

With any luck, by next Xmas, I'll be dating one of these grls:
But until then, just cos it's Xmas (& u dont lie during Xmas), without hope or agenda, my wasted heart will love you,
Until u look like this:
Merry Xmas

Him: It's the happiest part of my day, driving you.
Her: It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you.

Something frm love actually

Something I'll fall back on (good thing or bad?) to remind me there's still hope, still something out there for me to find/recognise... a form of motivation to move on with life.

Also reminds me that love comes in all forms, it's how u interpret/recognise it. Now I find that love is REALLY all around.

Feel so blessed =)

F*ck man, I really dont noe wat to feel now.

Anyway, if I'm allocated Physics in Life Sciences PC1326, I can breath easy liao. haiz... life sucks...

Mayb I deserve this sh*t...

Hikaru is leaving NUS for greener (sounds promising) pastures in NIE. I'm having prob trying for mods & getting them NOT to clash (fucked-up NUS... NUS SUX!!!) Suddenly, everyone ard me seems to be getting attached. I'm so not looking forward to V-day next year. I'm gonna be stuck seeing him for the REMAINDER of the sems in NUS. To make matters worse, the more I talk to him, the more this hatred seem to grow...

Still cant shake off how disappointed I am in him, still cant forget the hurt that he brought me. Frens said I still like him. DO I? I seriously think not, really.

The one thing I'm confirmed abt in the midst of all this mess, is that he's not worth it, not worth my time, my efforts & totally unappreciative of wat I do for him. Even if I wanted to do something as a fren for him, he'll simply misconscrue it as something negative or something that makes me seem like I'm giving hidden hints abt my feelings for him.

NOT going to send that msg below to him already. Dont need to feed his ego now, do we? To a man who thinks that he's worthy of ANYONE.

Go screw yourself man.

went to Daniel's City Harvest Church today.
Something the preacher said struck me today: abt how we shd crawl out of our shell & face the world again... Suddenly felt something in my heart... I cant explain. Some feeling that makes me wanna cry... it felt so strong that tears came into my eyes... & I had to close them again... as the words drifted into my ears & with each verse my tears threatened to flow. But when he asked for those among us to raise their hands up for God to recognise, for Him to forgive them for their sins, I didn't. I'm still confused. Do all ppl go to God when they're feeling their worst? By raising my hand, wat am I admitting? The preacher said God isn't interested in a religion: He is interested in a relationship w ppl.
I still feel that I may take certain things for granted. Until the time when I find that I wont do that anymore, I'll consider again. Perhaps by that time, the Call might come.

I DON'T DESERVE THE SAME SHIT TWICE!!!

Feel like crying... tml gettig results (& I think it's gonna be SOOO fucked up cos of wat happened), sch's starting soon (& I DON'T wanna see him), I'm angry with him for all the things he did, I'm angry w myself for not handling Cyberia that well as Program Head (I noe I can do it.. so how come I didnt do it?)

Suddenly feel so fucking alone...

Saw Charlene today... told her abt the latest updates... Said I'm so much better off without him... which I now strongly feel... I mean, I REALLY FEEL SO! & the thing is, I dun think we can ever become good frens, looking at how things r like now... or even if we're looking at the future...
It's not that I dun have faith in him,
It's jus that he DOESN'T want me to have faith in us.
Wat's a grl gotta do? I dun mind waiting... but then again, I'm not stupid.
How long is he gonna take to change, if he even recognises his faults? If it's FUNDAMENTALLY him, then FORGET IT! Wake up man... that's you! If ur best fren is the only one to make u recognise ur faults & if he missed some, then watcha gonna do? Stay the sh*thole U're now?
Been asking myself alot of questions the last week
But THIS is enuff to let me have a peace of mind, that
"it's impossible between us"

numb, dun give a damn abt matters now... melancholy at it's most honest & true side

Love..!!

Love is a beautiful feeling,
For it has a heart of healing.
It always blooms in places so rare,
I hardly find it, but i know its somewhere.
In search for love, i weeped and sighed,
I found oe heart, but so unkind.
A heart i thought, would bring me life,
After so much struggle, I thought ill survive,
But once again, i have to lose,
A heart i loved, my heart to bruise.

Shamima